5 Questions Around Codependency: How to Tell When Love Becomes Dependence

You met a gal or a guy and things are going great. You want to be together all the time. You feel those fun butterflies and think about the person. Time seems to stop when you’re together and codependency is the farthest from your mind.

Over time your lives become more and more intertwined. You hang out with them more, maybe seeing your friends or family less. While these are normal behaviors when it comes to meeting someone you care about, something feels off. At Lake Forest Christian Counseling, we help you recognize unhealthy patterns and navigate relationships with wisdom and balance.

Maybe your friends are saying things and making off-handed comments. Maybe you feel like the person you’re with has changed a bit. Maybe it’s becoming harder to find time to meet with your friends or to get time alone.

A new relationship can indeed affect our priorities and how we spend our time. Things will shift as the priority is not our best friends or the crew, but this other person. We will give this other person more of our time and attention.

The key is to make sure this is being done in a healthy way.

The line between codependency and love can be hard to see

The best relationships are when both people bring who they are to the table. It is mutually beneficial for both parties. You both have your friends, hobbies, and lives while finding things you enjoy doing together. The person you’re dating, married to, etc. should indeed be a high priority. But they should not be your only priority.

Relationships can become unhealthy when one person becomes overly reliant or dependent on the other. No person should be the sole center of your universe. No one should expect to be. No one should make you the source of their happiness and identity.

Boundaries in relationships do vary. Some people retain very separate lives, while others tend to blend more. Being in a relationship can make it harder to when understand codependency is happening. There is a lot in a relationship that only happens between two people.

But the signs can still be there.

The subtle difference

The challenge with understanding codependency is that it often starts with the same thread as healthy relationships. Everyone wants to feel seen and loved for who they are.

They are subtle differences, and the questions below can help.

Do I silence what I want to keep my partner happy? 

You want to go to the movies, while he or she wants to play minigolf. While a relationship is a give-and-take, are you silencing your preferences to “keep the peace” or because your partner will only complain if they don’t get their way?

Do I have a life outside of my partner?

Are you able to go out with friends and enjoy the night. or does your partner make you feel bad or text every thirty seconds? Are you able to join a new club, or hang out with a new friend? Is any free moment spent with your partner and keeping them happy or helping them out with things? Do they make you feel bad for going out with a friend instead of them?

Am I accepting behaviors I would tell my friends not to accept? 

It is often hard to see things when we are in it. If your best friend had a partner who repeatedly broke promises or showed up late, what would you tell them? Codependency often revolves around the idea that we can “fix” or “change” people. If a friend told you what you tell other people, how would you react? If your first inclination is to justify or defend, you may want to talk to someone.

Am I able to express how I feel?

A healthy relationship is built on the fact we can share our needs, our hurts, and our disappointments. Your needs and feelings are as equally valid as those of the other person. Being able to express ourselves and ask for what we need is how true intimacy grows.

If you cannot do so without being made to feel guilty, or won’t because you know it won’t go well, or perhaps you don’t feel your emotions are valid, that can be another sign.

Am I becoming more anxious?

What happens if you don’t hear back from your person right away? Are you okay if they don’t respond or are running late without telling you? Do you feel entitled to their time? Do they feel entitled to yours? Are you less able to commit to plans without checking in with your partner because you think they’ll be upset? Are you finding yourself more agitated if they make plans without you?

What to do about codependency

If any of this is stirring something in you, we encourage you to talk to a neutral third party. You can ask friends or family if things have shifted/changed, but it often helps to have an unbiased point of view. Ultimately, listen to your gut. Our hearts are fickle and can get lost in emotion. Often our head or guts know what we find hard to say out loud.

Call our office today. Christian Counselors at Lake Forest Christian Counseling are here to help. We can help you identify what is going on, make a plan, and find a way forward.