5 Common Signs of a Toxic Relationship

People usually enter romantic relationships for reason – to feel loved, to have company, to build a family and a future with someone, and so much more. Humans are hardwired for relationships, but not all relationships are healthy and life-giving. A lot of ingredients go into making a healthy, intimate relationship – mutual respect and appreciation, creativity, hard work, love, maintaining good boundaries, relationships with community, and so much more. But what happens with things turn bad? What are the signs of a toxic relationship that you should watch for?

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Though there is no such thing as a perfect romantic relationship, there is a vast difference between an imperfect normal relationship and a relationship one can characterize as “toxic.”

What does a toxic relationship look like, and how would you know if you were in one? Below are a few classic signs of a toxic relationship.

1. Isolation from friends and family

It’s been said that when people get romantically involved, their world seems to revolve around their partner. They spend copious amounts of time together, get into one another’s hobbies, and perhaps even begin finishing one another’s sentences.

This is of course a stereotype, but it does point to the truth that a new couple’s emotional entanglement can be deep and strong. While this is normal, there are some behaviors in a relationship that are a cause for concern.

When one or both partners in a relationship begin either isolating themselves or getting isolated from their friends and family, that’s a sign that something is off. The communities that you’re a part of are a source of accountability and meaningful relationships that nurture your own.

Getting isolated from them cuts off that support and healthy connection with others. As important as a romantic relationship is, other relationships are important and need to be maintained. In some circumstances, one partner is isolated from their circle of support by their emotionally or physically abusive partner who doesn’t want to be called to account by people they know.

Whether it’s through your access to friends via email, text, phone, or in-person is being limited, or moving far away from family and being restricted in your opportunities to meet and connect with new people, being isolated from other people is a sign of a problematic and possibly toxic relationship.

When jealousy rears its ugly head and one partner doesn’t want the other to associate with people of a certain gender because it makes them feel insecure, that is also a troubling sign.

2. Your feelings and thoughts are disregarded

A relationship is about give and take. Each person brings into the relationship space their unique gifts, insights, personality, and strengths. Working together, a couple can overcome many obstacles and have an enriching life together.

If you’re in a relationship and your thoughts and feelings are disregarded or not given due consideration, that’s a sign of a toxic relationship. Each partner should have a say in the relationship, from the little things such as how to set the thermostat, who does what chores around the house, what’s for dinner, and so on – to the bigger decisions such as where to live, whether and how many kids to have, how the family income is spent and much more.

Of course, not everyone wants to be consulted on every decision, and each couple has their own rhythms and ways of doing things. However, if you want to be part of a decision and you’re effectively excluded from it, that’s problematic. If your concerns are dismissed, that’s problematic. If your voice is diminished, belittled, and not given attention, that’s a problem.

Being taken seriously is part of emotional security, and where that is lacking there is a serious problem. If your partner frequently criticizes or humiliates you, that can also signal an emotionally unsafe and abusive environment that is unhealthy.

3. Your physical safety is compromised

A healthy relationship is one where both parties feel safe. Where you don’t feel safe and can let your guard down, real intimacy and connection can’t happen.

Safety takes many forms, including emotional and physical security. If a relationship has a lack of physical safety through actions such as being grabbed, shoved, hit, deprived of necessities such as food and medicine, or being threatened with physical violence, that relationship is a toxic one.

Too often, people wait longer than they ought to see and act on physical abuse in their relationship. They may excuse it as a temper flare-up or a bad day, but it ought to be taken seriously and addressed immediately. A small act of physical violence may point to longer-term and deeper issues that can plague the relationship down the line.

Once that door is open, it is extremely hard to close it, and a couple needs to take seriously any signs or acts of physical abuse. Usually, physical abuse is preceded by emotional abuse, and it typically spirals into more violence.

However, due to embarrassment, shame, and fear, people make excuses for their partner’s behavior and brush the behavior under the carpet. If you are not safe physically, the better option may be to pursue couple’s therapy and to leave the space immediately in the interim.

4. You lose yourself and don’t have room to grow

Just because you’re in a relationship that doesn’t mean you should stop being you. A healthy relationship requires compromise, of course. Two people can’t make a good go of a relationship without some give and take on both sides. However, if what one partner must give up and change to accommodate the other compromises more than what they are comfortable with, that relationship may be a toxic one.

People in a relationship will of course subtly influence one another in the books they read, television shows they watch, who they hang out with, where and how they worship, what they eat and wear, and so forth.

However, if your partner requires you to change your looks, give up your faith, stop your hobbies and passions to take up theirs, that is deeply problematic. If you begin to lose yourself to please your partner, pausing and reevaluating things is a wise move.

Everyone has got the potential to grow into a better version of themselves. A couple should give one another that room to grow. A partner may become controlling, discouraging you from taking up opportunities to grow by studying further, or doing more to achieve your goals. Having little to no room to grow and explore your gifts and potential within a relationship is another sign of a toxic relationship.

5. You can’t question or hold your partner accountable

A healthy relationship is one of equals. Two adults in a relationship should take responsibility for their own actions and be open to owning their mistakes and being held accountable if they make bad choices. If you are in a relationship where your partner does not take responsibility for their actions, that is a troubled and quite possibly toxic relationship.

Whether it’s infidelity, addictions, poor spending decisions, or other choices, one cornerstone of a relationship is that each person needs to own their mistakes. Partners will help one another out to get through various situations, but that doesn’t remove responsibility from the offending party.

If your partner doesn’t take responsibility, or if you can’t question or hold them accountable for their actions, that is not a relationship of equals and it is a toxic relationship. In a similar vein, if your partner gaslights you by telling you that you’re being oversensitive or imagining things, or they deny the seriousness of their actions, that’s also a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Conclusion

Joyful and healthy relationships require a delicate balance of love, commitment, creativity, mutual respect, and sacrifice. No relationship is perfect, as no two people are perfect, but some dynamics in a relationship can poison a meaningful and intimate connection.

Toxic relationships are those where our worst human impulses such as selfishness, the desire for control, and fear are allowed free rein and permeate the partnership. Signs of toxicity in relationships should not be ignored – address them promptly before they become insurmountable obstacles to a healthy relationship and life.

If you find yourself steeped in a toxic dynamic, fear and shame shouldn’t hold you back from stepping away from the relationship to seek help, regain perspective, and decide on the future.