Addressing Parental Regret and Reconciliation

Parental regret describes a feeling of sorrow or remorse over the choices you made and things you did or did not do while your children were growing up. You wish you could turn the clock back and have a second chance, but there are no do-overs. What has been said or done cannot be undone. You want to make amends with your child for the hurt you have caused, but do not know where to start, or if reconciliation is even possible.

There are a variety of reasons a parent may feel regret, but there is hope. The story is not fully written. There are ways you can pursue reconciliation with your adult child. With some perseverance and patience, you can take active steps to heal your relationship, as well as avoid patterns or behaviors that are sabotaging.

Most common types of parental regret

Being a parent is a high calling and an arduous task. The path is not always clear, and we learn a lot by trial and error. Likewise, our patterns in our family of origin creep into how we parent and cope with our insecurities, weaknesses, and stresses. When we think of parental regret there is a vast brushstroke of reasons for remorse.

Looking back, some parents can see that boundaries were the issue. Some were too involved and controlling. Expecting perfection, they had unreasonable standards and controlled too many details, with harsh rules and repeated restrictions.

Putting too much pressure on their child, they pushed their child to behave in a certain way or to act like an adult while still a child. Critical comments and comparisons to other children also damaged the relationship.

Contrarily, some parents do not put enough boundaries and guidelines in place. Being too permissive or overindulgent, they can end up spoiling the child. If discipline is avoided the child may grow up unrealistic and unruly. Given time and left unchecked, disastrous consequences can ensue which prompts the parent’s regret for not being firmer, clearer, and more consistent.

For others, the regret of absence lingers. Whether work, broken relationships, or internal issues, a parent may regret not being available to the child when it mattered most. They may feel as if they were not there for their child in a moment of emotional distress or for a joyful milestone. Remorse can haunt over a lack of spending quality time, not showing enough affection, not verbalizing love and acceptance, or even being dismissive of the child’s feelings.

There are mothers and fathers who, in hindsight, realize they did not advocate enough for their children. They missed a true crisis by not believing their child or listening to their concerns. Listening to expert opinions instead of trusting their gut, they regret being insensitive to their child’s nonverbal cues and failing to recognize when he or she is stressed or depressed.

Harsh parenting or unmanaged anger are sources of regret as well. A parent that yelled too much, or physically or verbally abused their child could suffer in sorrow for years.

A parent who was frequently impatient or remembers being quick to fly off the handle may now wish they had found other ways to cope with the challenges of parenting. They may now recognize that their parenting was also inconsistent and unpredictable to a child who needed steadiness to thrive.

Some parental regret stems from being overprotective. They worried about everything and therefore did not say yes to enough. They might have missed opportunities to broaden their child’s horizon because they were too consumed with worry at the time.

Ultimately, some recognize that they were not a good role model for whatever reason. Consequently, the parent can feel remorse for not allowing their child to be a child. They recognize they hindered their child’s chance to be childlike, to grow, to be free, to make mistakes, and to experience consistent, unconditional love in a safe and secure environment.

Reconciliation done wisely

Regret can pile up in a monstrous burden, but there is hope for healing and reconciliation. By pursuing some positive steps and avoiding some tricky pitfalls that sabotage efforts, you can find one another again.

Give your child space

Accept that your child has a reason for turning away from you and respect his or her need for autonomy and independence. Do not be forceful or manipulative in trying to convince your child it is time to make amends. Using guilt or judgement now that you are ready to fix the situation could actually just be repeating the dysfunction of the past.

Take responsibility for your actions

Acknowledge your mistakes and offer a sincere apology. Without making excuses or trying to justify yourself, express your regret at how it has affected your current relationship.

Try to understand your child’s perspective

Actively listen to your child without interrupting and try to consider what the situation looked and felt like from their perspective. No matter how you see things, accept that what they tell you is their true, lived experience. Humbly seek to understand the hurt it caused, even if it was unintentional.

Express empathy

Show genuine concern about how your child feels and why. Be willing to validate his or her feelings even if you do not agree with his or her view of what happened. Respond with compassion and empathy.

Be willing to make amends

Ask your child how you can make amends to right the wrong. Make an effort to underscore the sincerity of your apology by going out of your way to say or do something meaningful for your child.

Ask your child to forgive you

Ask for forgiveness but be prepared to accept your child’s response even if it is not what you hoped for or wanted.

Be patient and do not give up

If your child does not wish to be in contact with you, let him or her know that the door is always open if there is a change of mind or heart. Continue to stay in touch with birthday and holiday cards, but do not hassle or nag your child to respond.

Pray

Although you cannot control the outcome, nothing is impossible with God. Pray and ask God to forgive you and to bring about healing and reconciliation between you and your child. Then forgive yourself as well.

Finding help for parental regret

Parenting is never easy. We all make mistakes. All of us have reason to apologize to others. Every human has growth that is desperately needed. However, if you feel your regret is insurmountable, perhaps it is time to seek a therapist to help you make progress. Reach out to our offices today and we will connect you with a trained Christian therapist to walk with you on your journey away from regret and toward reconciliation and healing.