Dating in a Moral Way: Three Practices to Avoid

Those who participate in modern dating are far too likely to experience regular feelings of frustration and disappointment. It can be challenging to locate someone with whom you share a mutual interest and appeal, particularly as the practice of internet dating becomes more common. There are situations when it might not even be possible to find out for sure if there is a shared interest between the parties involved.

Considering the amount of anguish and irritation that may be brought on by the dating process, it is wise to think about what we can do to make it a less frustrating and terrible experience. Controlling or altering the behavior of other individuals is not possible. We can spare ourselves the anguish of a guilty conscience while at the same time sparing others the anguish of being mistreated.

Three Dating Practices to Avoid

Consider some of the following frequent dating practices, as well as more ethical options that embrace the concept of the universal golden rule, which is the idea that we should treat others with the same consideration and courtesy that we would like to receive ourselves.

1. Ghosting

In the world of dating, ignoring a potential partner or “ghosting,” as the practice is frequently referred to, is a typical occurrence. Indeed, the process of looking at a large number of dating profiles and talking to potential dates may be extremely daunting, and it is also true that it is typically not possible to respond to every interested suitor.

It is not unethical to choose not to respond to a communication from someone in whom you have no interest. However, if you have had substantial communication with someone, perhaps even gone on a date with them, then ghosting that person after they have invested time and emotional energy into getting to know you is poor treatment.

(This does not include situations in which another person has harassed or threatened you, violated your boundaries, or made you feel uncomfortable in any other way.)

The message that “Your feelings matter nothing to me” can be communicated through the behavior of ghosting. If you are not interested in continuing to get to know someone after you have had a substantial conversation or an initial date, it might be better to send a simple message letting them know that you have lost interest in them and that you do not wish to continue to get to know them. If appropriate, you may also want to include a succinct and diplomatic explanation of the reason.

For instance, if you go on a first date and then find that you aren’t interested in them, you may send them a message thanking them for their time and stating something like, “Thank you for taking the time to meet me. I am sorry to have to break it to you, but I just didn’t feel any spark between us. I hope you have success!”

This message won’t take much of your time, but it will give you the peace of mind that comes with knowing you haven’t overlooked any details. You are also sparing the other person the potential mental anguish that could result from their being in the dark about where you stand or the reasons why you have lost interest in them.

2. Benching in dating

Sending mixed messages on a date is another potentially painful dating practice that is sometimes referred to as “benching.” This practice involves not letting the other person know where you stand in the relationship or what your true dating goals are. This practice can effectively lead a person on by not letting them know where you stand or what your true dating goals are.

If, after getting to know someone, you conclude that you are not interested in them enough to commit to an exclusive relationship, it is in everyone’s best interest to communicate this sentiment in a forthright manner. It is not acting with integrity to give the impression to the other person that you are still interested in the same kind of relationship that they are in case you give them that impression.

It’s possible that sending a person contradictory messages and playing games with their emotions are just two distinct manifestations of the same behavior: In a nutshell, you are not being open and transparent about the real reasons for your actions.

3. Exploitation in dating

Another immoral action could be more difficult to identify, even in yourself, and could even be harder to acknowledge. When we say “exploitation,” we mean when one person uses another’s interests to their own advantage.

For instance, consider the following scenario: You have been forthright with a person you have been seeing about your tepid interest, acknowledged the absence of romantic feelings on your part, and communicated that your interest may only be in a physical, non-exclusive relationship. You have been honest about all of these things. The other party has indicated that they accept these terms.

On the surface, it might appear like everything is in order with this scenario. After all, you were truthful about your emotions, and the other person consented to the extent of your engagement in the matter. And nothing may go wrong.

But it can cross the line into unethical behavior if, for example, the other person harbors a secret hope that you’ll “come around” to the idea of a relationship and/or that their feelings for you will eventually “catch” and be reciprocated, and you are aware of this hope but choose to let things continue as they have been. In this scenario, the other person is harboring secret hopes that you’ll “come around” to the idea of a relationship and/or that their feelings

If it becomes clear that the other person has feelings for you and might be going along with your proposition and the level of involvement you have expressed being interested in in the hope that you might change your mind and want an actual relationship, the best thing to do may be to end the involvement. This is because the other person may be hoping that you will change your mind and want an actual relationship.

Continuing it could not only lead to an exploitation of the other’s unwillingness to end something that isn’t quite what they are looking for, but you should also consider the fact that the other person is not respecting your needs by being dishonest about what they truly want and/or what they need from their relationship. At this point, the best course of action may simply be to let the other person know that something doesn’t feel right and then quit the relationship.

In summary

When it comes to dating behaviors that may be inconsiderate or unkind, some people may find it easy to attribute certain dating practices to individuals based on gender, but generally speaking, I do not believe that any gender is more or less at fault when it comes to these behaviors. Each of us can try to treat other people with increased courtesy and respect.

It is not necessary to add a layer of anguish to the dating experience by treating others carelessly, regardless of our intentions; the dating experience typically contains sufficient amounts of both pain and frustration on its own. Those who are involved in romantic relationships might find it beneficial to keep the “golden rule” in mind at all times. Think about how you would react if someone just disappeared without a trace.

If you find that you sometimes engage in behaviors that you are not proud of, behaviors that don’t line up with your values, you can work to address these by finding a skilled psychotherapist who can empathize with you for how you may have been treated poorly while also helping you understand and resolve the underlying drivers behind your behaviors.

If you find that you sometimes behave in ways that don’t line up with your values, you can work to address these. Contact us to schedule an appointment with a counselor at Lake Forest Christian Counseling in Texas.